Host: Zach Galifianakis
Musical guest: Vampire Weekend

1. Opening monologue

Zach Galifianakis: The stylist here at SNL, she said: ‘Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?’ And I said:
Well, just give me the lighthouse attendant. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me the homeless professor. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me marijuana Santa Claus. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me vice president of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me somebody that looks like they write on Alpacka message boards. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.

2. Bidet

Woman [Kristen Wiig]: And, the nearest hospital, that would be…?
Hotel Worker [Andy Samberg]: Saint George’s Medical Centre, it’s about three miles east of the hotel
Man [Zach Galifianakis]: And their ambulances, they have bidets? Or would there be a gap? Between the hotel and the hospital – bidet-wise
Hotel Worker: I doubt the ambulances has bidets, I also doubt the hospital has a bidet

3. Zach Drops By the Set

4. Today

Hoda Kotb [Jenny Slate]: Sarah, do we have any more Facebook messages?
Sarah [Abby Elliot]: Uhm, just one. It’s from Zach in New York, it just says ”Am I on camera? Am I on TV?”

5. Vampire Weekend

!!!!!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [Benny Hill theme song starts playing]

7. Weekend Update

Will Forte: Here’s the song, it is called ”Women’s herstory: Did you see what I did there?”
Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi gouvernment
Emily Dickinson books
Good job women, good job women
You should have been paid more money than that
Good job women, terrific job women
Your history is now herstory
See what I did there?

1. The Lawrence Welk Show

Eunice [Kristen Wiig]: I hit a turkey with a shovel then I came inside and put the turkey on the toliet and it died on the toilet and it fell in the toilet now there’s feathers in the toilet and I sleep under a turned over wagon, is that bad? De doo doo doo

2. The Kissing Family

The Bill Hader and James Franco kiss!

3. An SNL Digital Short – The Tizzle Wizzle Show

The jammy shuffle, the jammy shuffle
Everyone put on your jammies now
Comfy, cozy, snuggly, warm
Come on everybody don’t have a cow
Pink ones, blue ones, even stripes
Jammy party, dance all night
[Jammies]
Knives, knives, all types of knives
Everybody pick out your favourite knife
Short ones, long ones, ones with spikes
Three more seconds to choose your knife
Three, two, one
Pills, pills, all types of pills
Everyone must take at least one pill
Gobble them, swallow them, eat ‘em down
Don’t spit them out because we’ll know
The pills take hold of your mind and flesh
You’re brave and strong, you don’t fear death
[Jammies]
Steel yourself it’s time for war
Your glowing stick is how we keep score
Hop to the left and raise your knife
It’s a fight to the death
Now kill the lights

4. Weekend Update

Nicole ”Snookie” Polizzi [Bobby Moynihan]: Oh, you wanna touch my poof?

5. Weekend Update

Kristen Wiig cracking up for the first time!

6. Sigma Lambda Omega

Jason Sudeikis: You gotta chug this beer now!
Andy Samberg: This is not a beer.
James Franco: What does it say?!
Andy Samberg: Diet Coke.
James Franco: I thought it said Light Beer!
Bobby Moynihan: Yeah, it’s Light Beer! Because it’s four letters and then space and then four letters!
Jason Sudiekis: Four space four!
Andy Samberg: Okay. Okay. But they’re all different kinds of letters.

7. Mark Wahlberg Talks To Christmas Animals

Mark Wahlberg [Andy Samberg]: Now imma talk to a partridge. Hey partridge, how’s it hangin’? Where’s your pear tree? Oh, there it is. So you were in that song ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas‘? I was in ‘The Happening‘. Did you see that movie? Okay. Talk to you later partridge. Say hi to your motha’ for me.