1. Slave boy

King [Will Forte]: He has a dagger! Stand down guards! Antonius will handle this!
Antonius [Ashton Kutcher]: [Throwing grapes] No! Grape attack! Go away! Go away! Go away! Grape Attack! Go away!

2. Weekend Update – Liam, the teenager who just woke up

Seth Meyers: Hey, how’s it going Liam?
Liam [Andy Samberg]: I just woke up.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I can tell. You’re supposed to come out here and analyze the budget for us.
Liam: Just.. what? Just give me five more minutes.
Seth Meyers: No. Liam, we don’t have five more minutes.
Liam: Okay! Fine, fine! I’m up, okay? I’m up. What is it?
Seth Meyers: Well, we wanna know your thoughts on president Obama’s new budget
Liam: I just had the craziest dream, Seth. I was hooking up with this girl, and then I realized her body was a horse. But, I was still really in to her ’cause her face was super cute. And then she sang me this beautiful song, and it was like: ‘Liiiam, Liii-aam, forget about my horse bod-ey, because my face is so fo-ine! Horse body with a sexy face!‘ Anyway, what?

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in Germany say that a woman watching the sunset on a webcam spotted a man lost on the frozen north sea and saved his life by alerting authorities. But who’s going to save the life of the woman who watches sunsets on a webcam?

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has been published documenting a cat living in a nursing home in Rhode Island that can accurately predict which patients are about to die. Either that or cats like to sleep next to whoever moves around the least.
It is still nice to know the last thing those old people see is the face – of the terrifying death cat.

5. An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

They finally aired it!

Rahm Emanuel [Andy Samberg]: Also, you come after me on Facebook? What are you fourteen? Here’s a status update: Grow the fuck up! Poke me again and I will write shit on your wall so obscene your computer will cry.

So’ Long, suckers!