1. An SNL Digital Short – James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5

2. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week you didn’t need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV.

3. Weekend Update

Set Meyers: So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it:
Let’s say you’re married, and it’s the numer one marriage in the country. But then you meet someone else who just sweeps you off your feet. So you say to her ”I wanna marry you – In five years”. And she says ”Yes. I will wait five years to marry you”.
So then you go home and you tell your current wife ”Honey, in five years – we’re getting a divorce”. Now, you might think your current wife will be super cool with that, and say ”Thank you for being honest”. But it turns out she’s actually super mad. And as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce she’s looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous.
So you come up with an awesome plan: You’ll still marry the second person, but you’ll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife ”Good news, we’re totally married, but every night when I get home – I’m gonna spend a half an hour with my first wife first, but then I’m all yours”. And before you even see how she feels about it you hold a big press conference and tell people you’ve changed the future of marriage.
Now, if you think the new wife is cool with this plan – she’s not. She’s super mad. And the first wife is also acting wierd because, you know – You have two wives!
But then, just when you think you’re stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems – You kill your second wife. The question now is: Will NBC be okay? That all depends on one thing: Chuck. Lot of pressure on Chuck right now.
Also I feel bad for the writers of Law and Order. They’re gonna be responsible for ten hours of programming a day. They say their stories are ripped from the headlines, but a newspaper only has so many headlines to rip. The last episode I saw was about a broken air conditioner at a PTA meating. Next week two detectives are gonna try and solve a Sudoku.
Look, obviously I’m investin’ this because it affects me. If Jay can take his job back from Conan. That means Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that means jimmy might come here – and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: The Vatican newspaper called the film Avatar simplistic and criticised it for promoting the worship of nature as a substitut for religion. However all this accomplished was putting the image in my head – of the pope in 3D glasses.

5. Weekend Update

Larry the Goose [Andy Samberg]: Seth, if I may, I’d like to read the names of some of the geese who parished that day. These were geese of great dignity. [Clears throat]
Goose Springsteen
Feather Locklear
Ganderson Cooper
Geese Witherspoon
President Quackery Taylor
Honk Williams, Jr.
Indie rock duo The Wing Wings
And of course: Mother.

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A WeightWatchers group in Sweden was surprised when members showed up for their weigh-in in an office building and the floor collapsed. Which I assume was followed by a group shrug and a walk to the pastry shop.

7. Riley

Riley [Fred Armisen]: That’s right you BITCH!

P.S. Sigourney Weaver – Om 71,42% of the top moments är från Weekend Update betyder det att jag inte gillar dig. Du skulle kanske ha funderat klart innan du inledde programmet med att skryta om din pappa.

P.P.S. Den som tog sig tid att faktiskt läsa allt som står på punkt tre ska få en present av mig. En riktig present. På riktigt.