Host: Ryan Phillippe
Musical Guest: Ke$ha

1. Larry King Live

Larry King [Fred Armisen]: Now, Björk, has anything positive come out of this?
Björk [Kristen Wiig]: Yes. Iceland is now the world’s number one exporter of volcanic ash. Previously our main exports were reindeer bones and giggles.

2. Monologue

Ryan Phillippe: Obviously, they can’t give every character a movie.
2.30AM-Guy [Andy Samberg]: Excuse me, hi, what if a character is an internet phenomenon?
Ryan Phillippe: What would your movie even be about?
2.30AM-Guy: It would be a mystery… Of what’s inside the box…
Ryan Phillippe: I.. think I know what’s in the box.
2.30AM-Guy: Yeah, but, maybe it’s something else…
Ryan Phillippe: Is it someting else?
2.30AM-Guy: Nah.

3. Hip Hop Kids

J Style [Ryan Phillippe]: You know what they say – For every baby bear there’s a way out of a cave
Zig-Zag [Andy Samberg]: Yo, I think we should start getting worried about a mama bear
J Style: That ain’t surprising coming from a mama’s boy
Flip-Flop [Jason Sudeikis]: Yo, you got served, Zig Zag

4. SNL Digital Short – ”Oh, hey bro!”

Man [Andy Samberg]: You!
Other Man [Andy Samberg]: You!
Man: No!
Other Man: Oh, come on!
Man: Yes!
Other Man: No!
Man: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
Other Man: I have a bone to pick with you!
Man: Come over here then!
Other Man: You come over here!
Man: I’m not coming over there, I’m here in the door way!

5. Mort Mort Feingold – Accountant for the stars

Mort Mort [Andy Samberg]: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, it says here that you’ve made millions on those vampire movies
Robert [Ryan Phillippe]: Yes, but what I really want to do are those serious dramas like Remember Me…
Mort Mort: Yeah, yeah. No one cares. Look, you make too much money to look this terrible. Sweetie, why dont’ you get your boyfriend a new set of clothes?
Kristen [Jenny Slate]: We never said we were dating.
Mort Mort: Okay. But you are. Shush, shush.

6. Shake Weight Commercial

Bill Hader: The Shake Weight. A revolutionary new way for women to shape and tone their arms. You’ve seen the commercial, now – wouldn’t you like to see it again?
If you’re like me you can’t get enough of this Shake Weight commercial. At first, I couldn’t believe it was real. Then, I realized it was. Then, I made sure no one was around – and then I did a third thing.

7. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Air traffic throughout Europe was shutdown this week by huge clouds of ash shot out into the air by Iceland’s – I hope I’m saying this right – Volcano.

8. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A deputy in Florida was reprimanded after shocking a collegue with a taser, an incident ment to be a joke. Word of advice – if you’re joking with someone and they say ‘Knock knock‘ and you say ‘Who’s there?‘ and they say ‘Taser‘ – Don’t say ‘Taser who?‘

9. The Underground Rock Minute, Thrilla Killa Klownz – ‘Magical Mysteries‘

”Fucking blankets – How do they work?”

Host: Zach Galifianakis
Musical guest: Vampire Weekend

1. Opening monologue

Zach Galifianakis: The stylist here at SNL, she said: ‘Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?’ And I said:
Well, just give me the lighthouse attendant. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me the homeless professor. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me marijuana Santa Claus. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me vice president of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me somebody that looks like they write on Alpacka message boards. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.

2. Bidet

Woman [Kristen Wiig]: And, the nearest hospital, that would be…?
Hotel Worker [Andy Samberg]: Saint George’s Medical Centre, it’s about three miles east of the hotel
Man [Zach Galifianakis]: And their ambulances, they have bidets? Or would there be a gap? Between the hotel and the hospital – bidet-wise
Hotel Worker: I doubt the ambulances has bidets, I also doubt the hospital has a bidet

3. Zach Drops By the Set

4. Today

Hoda Kotb [Jenny Slate]: Sarah, do we have any more Facebook messages?
Sarah [Abby Elliot]: Uhm, just one. It’s from Zach in New York, it just says ”Am I on camera? Am I on TV?”

5. Vampire Weekend

!!!!!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [Benny Hill theme song starts playing]

7. Weekend Update

Will Forte: Here’s the song, it is called ”Women’s herstory: Did you see what I did there?”
Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi gouvernment
Emily Dickinson books
Good job women, good job women
You should have been paid more money than that
Good job women, terrific job women
Your history is now herstory
See what I did there?

1. Cold Opening

Quincy Jones [Kenan Thompson]: Recently the music world came together to release We Are The World 2, a song to raise awareness of the Haiti earthquake disaster. Sadly, the song itself was a disaster. While the original We Are The World brought together stars like Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen and Tina Turner. This new version was a sloppy mess of half famous rando’s, like Busy Bone and Nipsey Hustle. It was bad. But we will heal, as we all is do through song. That’s why I have assembled another group of musicians for We Are The World 3 – raising awareness of the We Are The World 2 Disaster.

2. SNL Digital Short – Flags of the World

Scotch flag, Scotty flag, Hottie and the Nottie flag
Rasta flag, Pasta flag, Confused Fan of Lost-a-Flag

3. Undercover Celebrity Boss

Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash-can.

Steve Jobs [Fred Armisen]: This trash-can holds over 35 gallons of trash. Plays music, you can watch movies inside it – The iTrash!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Gatorade this week officially dropped Tiger Woods as their spokesperson, after realizing that his thirst – would never be quenched

5. Car Horns and More

Tina Tina Shanhouse [Jenny Slate]: We got horns for everybody, come on!
Man [Fred Armisen]: What about me? I’m a scientist
Tina Tina Shanhouse: Here you go [presses horn] ”Bunsen burner. Bubbles. It’s alive! Wha?”

1. An SNL Digital Short – Sergio

John Hamm: Sergio!

2. New Senator

Scott Brown [John Hamm]: I want to introduce something to the floor – it’s called your panties.

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week Apple released the thing that does stuff that its other stuff already does.

4. Weekend Update

Snooki [Bobby Moynihan]: You wanna touch its poof?

5. Game Time With Randy and Greg

Caller [Seth Meyers]: Oh, and by the way, there’s four Greg’s now
Randy [Kenan Thompson]: Oh, come on!
The Greg’s: You’re the man, Rick!
Caller [Seth Meyers]: I see what’s happening, they’ve figured out how to multiply!
Randy [Kenan Meyers]: No one’s multiplying.
Caller [Seth Meyers]: There’s eight now.
Randy [Kenan Thompson]: Okay, well. That’s the show. So to recap: Superbowl fever, Colts vs. Saints – Who’s gonna win? [Whispering] Help please.

6. Hamm & Bublé

John Hamm: Good evening, I’m John Hamm. If you’re looking for a romantic night out at a restaurant that specialises in pork dishes and fine champagne. Then look no further than Hamm & Bubbly.
Michael Bublé: It’s actually pronunced Bublé.
John Hamm: Well, Bublé doesn’t work. So now it’s pronunced Bubbly.

7. Closet Organizer

”It’s so simple to use! All it needs is two meals a day and a little bucket to do its business in!”

1. The Lawrence Welk Show

Eunice [Kristen Wiig]: I hit a turkey with a shovel then I came inside and put the turkey on the toliet and it died on the toilet and it fell in the toilet now there’s feathers in the toilet and I sleep under a turned over wagon, is that bad? De doo doo doo

2. The Kissing Family

The Bill Hader and James Franco kiss!

3. An SNL Digital Short – The Tizzle Wizzle Show

The jammy shuffle, the jammy shuffle
Everyone put on your jammies now
Comfy, cozy, snuggly, warm
Come on everybody don’t have a cow
Pink ones, blue ones, even stripes
Jammy party, dance all night
[Jammies]
Knives, knives, all types of knives
Everybody pick out your favourite knife
Short ones, long ones, ones with spikes
Three more seconds to choose your knife
Three, two, one
Pills, pills, all types of pills
Everyone must take at least one pill
Gobble them, swallow them, eat ‘em down
Don’t spit them out because we’ll know
The pills take hold of your mind and flesh
You’re brave and strong, you don’t fear death
[Jammies]
Steel yourself it’s time for war
Your glowing stick is how we keep score
Hop to the left and raise your knife
It’s a fight to the death
Now kill the lights

4. Weekend Update

Nicole ”Snookie” Polizzi [Bobby Moynihan]: Oh, you wanna touch my poof?

5. Weekend Update

Kristen Wiig cracking up for the first time!

6. Sigma Lambda Omega

Jason Sudeikis: You gotta chug this beer now!
Andy Samberg: This is not a beer.
James Franco: What does it say?!
Andy Samberg: Diet Coke.
James Franco: I thought it said Light Beer!
Bobby Moynihan: Yeah, it’s Light Beer! Because it’s four letters and then space and then four letters!
Jason Sudiekis: Four space four!
Andy Samberg: Okay. Okay. But they’re all different kinds of letters.

7. Mark Wahlberg Talks To Christmas Animals

Mark Wahlberg [Andy Samberg]: Now imma talk to a partridge. Hey partridge, how’s it hangin’? Where’s your pear tree? Oh, there it is. So you were in that song ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas‘? I was in ‘The Happening‘. Did you see that movie? Okay. Talk to you later partridge. Say hi to your motha’ for me.

12/12 Taylor Lautner

1. Can’t Keep A Secret Sue

Aunt Sue [Kristen Wiig]: My hips. My hips have glitched. God, I got cramps in my butt. Anyone else? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so. So FREAKING EXCITED!

2. The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir

Principal [Will Forte]: Okay, Trevor! Get up here right now! Get up here!
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Runs up on stage]
Principal [Will Forte]: Now I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elivs’s face!
Hanukkah Elvis [Nasim Pedrad]: No, actually, that’s okay..
Principal [Will Forte]: No, it’s not okay! [Pointing at Trevor] Say what you just said.
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Clears throat] THIS IS GAY!

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week after a performance in England Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England.
”Well, this is weird” thought both of them.

4. Team Jacob vs. Team Edward

Ellie [Jenny Slate]: There was a time in my life when I too loved Edward Cullen. When Jacob was merely a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed, maybe I changed, but more likely Jacob changed. When he took off his shirt in New Moon I saw those changes and I was like ”Yeah! I wanna bake cookies on your stomach!”
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: No, those are fake abs!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are not fake abs!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: They are too fake! They’re CGI-ed just like the wolves!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are real! His abs are real!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: If those abs are real then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!

5. A Final Message From The PGA Tour

Jason Sudeikis: I wanna thank our new sponsors: The Erie Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce, The letter ‘Q’ and Seltzer.

5/12 Blake Lively

1. Opening Monologue

Swedish Chef [Andy Samberg]: Shmorgy bork. Shmorgy bork boork. Shmorgy bork.
Blake Lively: You got me snow!

2. An SNL Digital Short

Move the mic away from your face
C’mon, this beat cost a lot of money
Oh, no. Oh, no
He pissed himself
He pissed himself!
AHA!

3. Weekend Update

Rizzle Dizzle Dazzle
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Flabble Dabble Dibble
WOO-AHH-OOH-WEE

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has found that the linemen on college football teams are often obese.
The study was conducted by the University of My Eyeballs.

5. UPS II

Bill Hader: In fact, we’ll make one thousand of them, which makes me King of the Ads. And you my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: Everyone wears a lady wig.
Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies. I’m gonna have sex with them.