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1. Cold Opening

Quincy Jones [Kenan Thompson]: Recently the music world came together to release We Are The World 2, a song to raise awareness of the Haiti earthquake disaster. Sadly, the song itself was a disaster. While the original We Are The World brought together stars like Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen and Tina Turner. This new version was a sloppy mess of half famous rando’s, like Busy Bone and Nipsey Hustle. It was bad. But we will heal, as we all is do through song. That’s why I have assembled another group of musicians for We Are The World 3 – raising awareness of the We Are The World 2 Disaster.

2. SNL Digital Short – Flags of the World

Scotch flag, Scotty flag, Hottie and the Nottie flag
Rasta flag, Pasta flag, Confused Fan of Lost-a-Flag

3. Undercover Celebrity Boss

Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash-can.

Steve Jobs [Fred Armisen]: This trash-can holds over 35 gallons of trash. Plays music, you can watch movies inside it – The iTrash!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Gatorade this week officially dropped Tiger Woods as their spokesperson, after realizing that his thirst – would never be quenched

5. Car Horns and More

Tina Tina Shanhouse [Jenny Slate]: We got horns for everybody, come on!
Man [Fred Armisen]: What about me? I’m a scientist
Tina Tina Shanhouse: Here you go [presses horn] ”Bunsen burner. Bubbles. It’s alive! Wha?”

1. Thomas Peepers Insurance

Bill Hader: For that first kiss… When you’re getting out of the shower… When you’re unclogging that especially clogged drain. We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance, and we’re keeping an eye – on you!

2. Reel Quotes

Bill Hader: In the 1975 film ‘Jaws‘ upon seeing the shark for the first time Roy Scheider utters the unforgettable line: ”We’re gonna need a bigger…”
Charles Barkley: Shark!
Bill Hader: No. See, they saw the shark he was so big that they thought they ”We’re gonna need a bigger…”
Charles Barkley: Shark bag!
Bill Hader: Think water..
Charles Barkley: Ocean!
Bill Hader: ”We’re gonna need a bigger ocean”?
Charles Barkley: Yeah, if you get a bigger ocean it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. Then the joke would be on the shark.

3. Sexy Shana

Making faces!

4. MacGruber

MacGruber [Will Forte]: Okay, Darell, respectfully, hand me that pen.
Darell [Charles Barkley]: Which pen?
Mac Gruber [Will Forte]: That one! Right there!
Darell [Charles Barkley]: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!
MacGruber [Will Forte]: That one! The, eh, african american pen!
Darell [Charles Barkley]: What?
MacGruber [Will Forte]: Sorry. The, eh, negro pen? Eh, negro american pen?
Darell [Charles Barkley]: You’re such a rasist!
MacGruber [Will Forte]: I am not a racist! Vicky, hand me that chinese pen! The, eh, that asian pen! The yellow pen!  - I’m a racist.

5. Inside The NBA

Danny Hoover [Andy Samberg]: That’ll move the chains!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: So what will you be doing with this new position?
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: I’m gonna steal the declaration of independence.
Seth Meyers: Oh no.
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: Quickly, Seth! Look under your desk. There should be an engraved panel of the masonic seal. Push this shard against the engraving to unlock the latch. The real declaration will be inside and that will lead us to the treasure!
Seth Meyers: Nick Cage! That movie’s like three years old!
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: I don’t have time to explain this to you! Do you trust me?!
Seth Meyers: Okay, stop! You need to calm down, Nicholas Cage! I’m taking your shard away.

7. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: It was announced this week that Lady Gaga will be the new spokesperson for Polaroid. It’s a natural fit as just like a polaroid it takes a few minutes to figure out what you’re looking at.

8. SNL Digital Short – Booty Call

Lionel [Andy Samberg]: Hold up! Is this a freaking booty call?
Alicia Keys: Yeah. I guess it is…
Lionel [Andy Samberg]: That is so scandocious, but it fully works out ’cause I’m super horny.
Alicia Keys: Oh, word?
Lionel [Andy Samberg]: Heck yeah word! It’s like I’m ovulating – but the dude version.

9. Scared Straight

Bill Hader cracking up during a Scared Straight sketch once again!

12/12 Taylor Lautner

1. Can’t Keep A Secret Sue

Aunt Sue [Kristen Wiig]: My hips. My hips have glitched. God, I got cramps in my butt. Anyone else? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so. So FREAKING EXCITED!

2. The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir

Principal [Will Forte]: Okay, Trevor! Get up here right now! Get up here!
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Runs up on stage]
Principal [Will Forte]: Now I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elivs’s face!
Hanukkah Elvis [Nasim Pedrad]: No, actually, that’s okay..
Principal [Will Forte]: No, it’s not okay! [Pointing at Trevor] Say what you just said.
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Clears throat] THIS IS GAY!

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week after a performance in England Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England.
”Well, this is weird” thought both of them.

4. Team Jacob vs. Team Edward

Ellie [Jenny Slate]: There was a time in my life when I too loved Edward Cullen. When Jacob was merely a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed, maybe I changed, but more likely Jacob changed. When he took off his shirt in New Moon I saw those changes and I was like ”Yeah! I wanna bake cookies on your stomach!”
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: No, those are fake abs!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are not fake abs!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: They are too fake! They’re CGI-ed just like the wolves!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are real! His abs are real!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: If those abs are real then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!

5. A Final Message From The PGA Tour

Jason Sudeikis: I wanna thank our new sponsors: The Erie Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce, The letter ‘Q’ and Seltzer.

5/12 Blake Lively

1. Opening Monologue

Swedish Chef [Andy Samberg]: Shmorgy bork. Shmorgy bork boork. Shmorgy bork.
Blake Lively: You got me snow!

2. An SNL Digital Short

Move the mic away from your face
C’mon, this beat cost a lot of money
Oh, no. Oh, no
He pissed himself
He pissed himself!
AHA!

3. Weekend Update

Rizzle Dizzle Dazzle
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Flabble Dabble Dibble
WOO-AHH-OOH-WEE

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has found that the linemen on college football teams are often obese.
The study was conducted by the University of My Eyeballs.

5. UPS II

Bill Hader: In fact, we’ll make one thousand of them, which makes me King of the Ads. And you my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: Everyone wears a lady wig.
Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies. I’m gonna have sex with them.

1. SNL Digital Short – Two Worlds Collide

That’s because a girl like Reba’s got just what I need
With big broad shoulders and a red-ass weave
(And a penis)
Hot damn, she fly
All she wanna do is bump me
I’m a lucky guy
(I’m a guy too)
My friends think I should dump her
They say she’s a man who found a wig in a dumpster
(Your friends are smart)
Nah, Rebes, they’re just jealous
‘Cuz I’m dating a star instead of hanging with the fellas
(Hanging like my nuts)

> DOWNLOAD SONG HERE <

2. The Mellow Show With Jack Johnson

Jack Johnson [Andy Samberg]: Wow, that is some smooth scatting
Jazon Mraz [Joseph Gordon-Levitt]: Yeah. Scatting is good when you’re too mellow to actually write lyrics.
Dave Matthews [Bill Hader]: Oh yeah. Foot-five to that!

3. What’s Up With That?

Klaus Future [Joseph Gordon-Levitt]:
In the future
Dogs will be cats, yeah
And in the future
Shoes will be hats, yeah
And in the future
Wrong will be right
And in the future
You will party all niiiight

4. Weekend Update

Al Gore: In stead of just writing a letter to a congress man. I’m gonna fill up a trash can with ice water and prop it up against his office door so that when he opens it, cold water splashes all over him. Then he’ll find the note I left on his desk that says ”We’re melting. Love, the glaciers”

5. Say Anything

Man [Jason Sudeikis]: Oh man, this kid loves casettes, huh?

Kenan [Charles Barkley]: If i was a bull and I went to China I would go berzerk. I’d start running around and stabbing everybody, ‘Hey, nice red flag, stab!’