Host: Zach Galifianakis
Musical guest: Vampire Weekend

1. Opening monologue

Zach Galifianakis: The stylist here at SNL, she said: ‘Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?’ And I said:
Well, just give me the lighthouse attendant. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me the homeless professor. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me marijuana Santa Claus. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me vice president of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me somebody that looks like they write on Alpacka message boards. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.

2. Bidet

Woman [Kristen Wiig]: And, the nearest hospital, that would be…?
Hotel Worker [Andy Samberg]: Saint George’s Medical Centre, it’s about three miles east of the hotel
Man [Zach Galifianakis]: And their ambulances, they have bidets? Or would there be a gap? Between the hotel and the hospital – bidet-wise
Hotel Worker: I doubt the ambulances has bidets, I also doubt the hospital has a bidet

3. Zach Drops By the Set

4. Today

Hoda Kotb [Jenny Slate]: Sarah, do we have any more Facebook messages?
Sarah [Abby Elliot]: Uhm, just one. It’s from Zach in New York, it just says ”Am I on camera? Am I on TV?”

5. Vampire Weekend

!!!!!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [Benny Hill theme song starts playing]

7. Weekend Update

Will Forte: Here’s the song, it is called ”Women’s herstory: Did you see what I did there?”
Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi gouvernment
Emily Dickinson books
Good job women, good job women
You should have been paid more money than that
Good job women, terrific job women
Your history is now herstory
See what I did there?