Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to create the rest of the ensemble. That’s a grand total of… [Does the math on his calculator watch] Eleven dollars!

Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question.
Jim: False! Black bear.
Dwight: Now that’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought –
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not — Wait, what is going on? What are you doing?!
Dwight: You know what, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Pause] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight: Oh, that’s funny. Michael!

- The Office, S03E21, ‘Product Recall’

Dwight [Rainn Wilson]: Brain teaser – I have two coins totaling fifteen cents; one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan [B.J Novak]: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No, I said on of them is not a nickel
Ryan: But the other one is, I’ve heard that before.
Dwight: Ok, a man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says ”There’s no way I can operate on this boy –
Ryan: ”Because he’s my son”. The doctor is the boy’s mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling –
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter –
Ryan: It’s a polar bear because you’re at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!!

- The Office, S03E05, ‘Initiation’