Host: Ryan Phillippe
Musical Guest: Ke$ha

1. Larry King Live

Larry King [Fred Armisen]: Now, Björk, has anything positive come out of this?
Björk [Kristen Wiig]: Yes. Iceland is now the world’s number one exporter of volcanic ash. Previously our main exports were reindeer bones and giggles.

2. Monologue

Ryan Phillippe: Obviously, they can’t give every character a movie.
2.30AM-Guy [Andy Samberg]: Excuse me, hi, what if a character is an internet phenomenon?
Ryan Phillippe: What would your movie even be about?
2.30AM-Guy: It would be a mystery… Of what’s inside the box…
Ryan Phillippe: I.. think I know what’s in the box.
2.30AM-Guy: Yeah, but, maybe it’s something else…
Ryan Phillippe: Is it someting else?
2.30AM-Guy: Nah.

3. Hip Hop Kids

J Style [Ryan Phillippe]: You know what they say – For every baby bear there’s a way out of a cave
Zig-Zag [Andy Samberg]: Yo, I think we should start getting worried about a mama bear
J Style: That ain’t surprising coming from a mama’s boy
Flip-Flop [Jason Sudeikis]: Yo, you got served, Zig Zag

4. SNL Digital Short – ”Oh, hey bro!”

Man [Andy Samberg]: You!
Other Man [Andy Samberg]: You!
Man: No!
Other Man: Oh, come on!
Man: Yes!
Other Man: No!
Man: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
Other Man: I have a bone to pick with you!
Man: Come over here then!
Other Man: You come over here!
Man: I’m not coming over there, I’m here in the door way!

5. Mort Mort Feingold – Accountant for the stars

Mort Mort [Andy Samberg]: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, it says here that you’ve made millions on those vampire movies
Robert [Ryan Phillippe]: Yes, but what I really want to do are those serious dramas like Remember Me…
Mort Mort: Yeah, yeah. No one cares. Look, you make too much money to look this terrible. Sweetie, why dont’ you get your boyfriend a new set of clothes?
Kristen [Jenny Slate]: We never said we were dating.
Mort Mort: Okay. But you are. Shush, shush.

6. Shake Weight Commercial

Bill Hader: The Shake Weight. A revolutionary new way for women to shape and tone their arms. You’ve seen the commercial, now – wouldn’t you like to see it again?
If you’re like me you can’t get enough of this Shake Weight commercial. At first, I couldn’t believe it was real. Then, I realized it was. Then, I made sure no one was around – and then I did a third thing.

7. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Air traffic throughout Europe was shutdown this week by huge clouds of ash shot out into the air by Iceland’s – I hope I’m saying this right – Volcano.

8. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A deputy in Florida was reprimanded after shocking a collegue with a taser, an incident ment to be a joke. Word of advice – if you’re joking with someone and they say ‘Knock knock‘ and you say ‘Who’s there?‘ and they say ‘Taser‘ – Don’t say ‘Taser who?‘

9. The Underground Rock Minute, Thrilla Killa Klownz – ‘Magical Mysteries‘

”Fucking blankets – How do they work?”

Host: Zach Galifianakis
Musical guest: Vampire Weekend

1. Opening monologue

Zach Galifianakis: The stylist here at SNL, she said: ‘Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?’ And I said:
Well, just give me the lighthouse attendant. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me the homeless professor. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me marijuana Santa Claus. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me vice president of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me somebody that looks like they write on Alpacka message boards. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.

2. Bidet

Woman [Kristen Wiig]: And, the nearest hospital, that would be…?
Hotel Worker [Andy Samberg]: Saint George’s Medical Centre, it’s about three miles east of the hotel
Man [Zach Galifianakis]: And their ambulances, they have bidets? Or would there be a gap? Between the hotel and the hospital – bidet-wise
Hotel Worker: I doubt the ambulances has bidets, I also doubt the hospital has a bidet

3. Zach Drops By the Set

4. Today

Hoda Kotb [Jenny Slate]: Sarah, do we have any more Facebook messages?
Sarah [Abby Elliot]: Uhm, just one. It’s from Zach in New York, it just says ”Am I on camera? Am I on TV?”

5. Vampire Weekend

!!!!!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [Benny Hill theme song starts playing]

7. Weekend Update

Will Forte: Here’s the song, it is called ”Women’s herstory: Did you see what I did there?”
Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi gouvernment
Emily Dickinson books
Good job women, good job women
You should have been paid more money than that
Good job women, terrific job women
Your history is now herstory
See what I did there?

Jag älskar när folk förstår mina referenser

This would be my favourite song from the Incredibad album, thank you very much.

The music washed away all the hate
And society started advancing
Every demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing
Whoa!
Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves
Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh!
I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman

- The Lonely Island (feat. Julian Casablancas), Boombox
Saturday Night Live, S35E17

1. Cold Opening

Quincy Jones [Kenan Thompson]: Recently the music world came together to release We Are The World 2, a song to raise awareness of the Haiti earthquake disaster. Sadly, the song itself was a disaster. While the original We Are The World brought together stars like Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen and Tina Turner. This new version was a sloppy mess of half famous rando’s, like Busy Bone and Nipsey Hustle. It was bad. But we will heal, as we all is do through song. That’s why I have assembled another group of musicians for We Are The World 3 – raising awareness of the We Are The World 2 Disaster.

2. SNL Digital Short – Flags of the World

Scotch flag, Scotty flag, Hottie and the Nottie flag
Rasta flag, Pasta flag, Confused Fan of Lost-a-Flag

3. Undercover Celebrity Boss

Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash-can.

Steve Jobs [Fred Armisen]: This trash-can holds over 35 gallons of trash. Plays music, you can watch movies inside it – The iTrash!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Gatorade this week officially dropped Tiger Woods as their spokesperson, after realizing that his thirst – would never be quenched

5. Car Horns and More

Tina Tina Shanhouse [Jenny Slate]: We got horns for everybody, come on!
Man [Fred Armisen]: What about me? I’m a scientist
Tina Tina Shanhouse: Here you go [presses horn] ”Bunsen burner. Bubbles. It’s alive! Wha?”

Utifall att du var intresserad – och det var du ju. Så, varsågod!

Nu ska jag gå och borsta tänderna i en timme. 07.30 imorgon bitti ska jag sitta i en tandläkarstol någonstans i stan. Kom gärna och hälsa på. Jag kan behöva det.

Are you SHITTIN’ me right now?!
I’ve been craving this for over a year!
Excuse me while I go flail - the fuck out – in private

1. Slave boy

King [Will Forte]: He has a dagger! Stand down guards! Antonius will handle this!
Antonius [Ashton Kutcher]: [Throwing grapes] No! Grape attack! Go away! Go away! Go away! Grape Attack! Go away!

2. Weekend Update – Liam, the teenager who just woke up

Seth Meyers: Hey, how’s it going Liam?
Liam [Andy Samberg]: I just woke up.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I can tell. You’re supposed to come out here and analyze the budget for us.
Liam: Just.. what? Just give me five more minutes.
Seth Meyers: No. Liam, we don’t have five more minutes.
Liam: Okay! Fine, fine! I’m up, okay? I’m up. What is it?
Seth Meyers: Well, we wanna know your thoughts on president Obama’s new budget
Liam: I just had the craziest dream, Seth. I was hooking up with this girl, and then I realized her body was a horse. But, I was still really in to her ’cause her face was super cute. And then she sang me this beautiful song, and it was like: ‘Liiiam, Liii-aam, forget about my horse bod-ey, because my face is so fo-ine! Horse body with a sexy face!‘ Anyway, what?

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in Germany say that a woman watching the sunset on a webcam spotted a man lost on the frozen north sea and saved his life by alerting authorities. But who’s going to save the life of the woman who watches sunsets on a webcam?

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has been published documenting a cat living in a nursing home in Rhode Island that can accurately predict which patients are about to die. Either that or cats like to sleep next to whoever moves around the least.
It is still nice to know the last thing those old people see is the face – of the terrifying death cat.

5. An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

They finally aired it!

Rahm Emanuel [Andy Samberg]: Also, you come after me on Facebook? What are you fourteen? Here’s a status update: Grow the fuck up! Poke me again and I will write shit on your wall so obscene your computer will cry.