Host: Ryan Phillippe
Musical Guest: Ke$ha

1. Larry King Live

Larry King [Fred Armisen]: Now, Björk, has anything positive come out of this?
Björk [Kristen Wiig]: Yes. Iceland is now the world’s number one exporter of volcanic ash. Previously our main exports were reindeer bones and giggles.

2. Monologue

Ryan Phillippe: Obviously, they can’t give every character a movie.
2.30AM-Guy [Andy Samberg]: Excuse me, hi, what if a character is an internet phenomenon?
Ryan Phillippe: What would your movie even be about?
2.30AM-Guy: It would be a mystery… Of what’s inside the box…
Ryan Phillippe: I.. think I know what’s in the box.
2.30AM-Guy: Yeah, but, maybe it’s something else…
Ryan Phillippe: Is it someting else?
2.30AM-Guy: Nah.

3. Hip Hop Kids

J Style [Ryan Phillippe]: You know what they say – For every baby bear there’s a way out of a cave
Zig-Zag [Andy Samberg]: Yo, I think we should start getting worried about a mama bear
J Style: That ain’t surprising coming from a mama’s boy
Flip-Flop [Jason Sudeikis]: Yo, you got served, Zig Zag

4. SNL Digital Short – ”Oh, hey bro!”

Man [Andy Samberg]: You!
Other Man [Andy Samberg]: You!
Man: No!
Other Man: Oh, come on!
Man: Yes!
Other Man: No!
Man: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
Other Man: I have a bone to pick with you!
Man: Come over here then!
Other Man: You come over here!
Man: I’m not coming over there, I’m here in the door way!

5. Mort Mort Feingold – Accountant for the stars

Mort Mort [Andy Samberg]: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, it says here that you’ve made millions on those vampire movies
Robert [Ryan Phillippe]: Yes, but what I really want to do are those serious dramas like Remember Me…
Mort Mort: Yeah, yeah. No one cares. Look, you make too much money to look this terrible. Sweetie, why dont’ you get your boyfriend a new set of clothes?
Kristen [Jenny Slate]: We never said we were dating.
Mort Mort: Okay. But you are. Shush, shush.

6. Shake Weight Commercial

Bill Hader: The Shake Weight. A revolutionary new way for women to shape and tone their arms. You’ve seen the commercial, now – wouldn’t you like to see it again?
If you’re like me you can’t get enough of this Shake Weight commercial. At first, I couldn’t believe it was real. Then, I realized it was. Then, I made sure no one was around – and then I did a third thing.

7. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Air traffic throughout Europe was shutdown this week by huge clouds of ash shot out into the air by Iceland’s – I hope I’m saying this right – Volcano.

8. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A deputy in Florida was reprimanded after shocking a collegue with a taser, an incident ment to be a joke. Word of advice – if you’re joking with someone and they say ‘Knock knock‘ and you say ‘Who’s there?‘ and they say ‘Taser‘ – Don’t say ‘Taser who?‘

9. The Underground Rock Minute, Thrilla Killa Klownz – ‘Magical Mysteries‘

”Fucking blankets – How do they work?”

Host: Tina Fey
Musical Guest: Justin Bieber

1. Brownie Husband

”Brownie Husband. We now pronunce you – full!”

2. The Sarah Palin Network

Sarah Palin [Tina Fey]: And if you’re for arts programming there’s ‘Painting for Patriots with Ned Redstone’.
Ned Redstone [Bobby Moynihan]: And if you wanna make your cloud a socialist cloud – all you have to do is give him a little Hitler mustache.

3. Lonely Teacher

Teacher [Tina Fey]: [Thinking] What I’m feeling is wrong. Morally, ethically and biologically wrong. But, I mean – look at him! He’s like a dreamy christmas elf! I should not have poured wine in my cereal this morning! I don’t know wheater I wanna marry him or put him in a stroller and push him around the mall… Or can it be both?

Jason [Justin Bieber]:

Put me in a outfit from the GAP like that
One that matches with the jacket and the cap like that
Then slap me in the stroller with the bounce like that
With the bottle full of milk that’s 40 ounce like that
I’m your b-baby lady
[Tina: I wanna push you in the buggy]
I’m your b-baby lady
I wanna hold you like a snuggie
You’re my baby, lady
[Tina: And I'm your lady, baby]
It’s time to roll,
Let’s go to the park

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Apple said monday that its sold more than 300 thousand iPads on the first day of its launch. Ushering in a new era of people buying things in order to find out what they are.

5. Weekend Update

Aunt Linda [Kristen Wiig]: I give the Tooth Fairy a positive review: One ‘Finally!‘ and three ‘Oh Yeauhhh’s‘. And I am happy to give Avatar a big fat ‘You Gotta Be Tk-Tk-Tk Kidding Me‘

6. Weekend Update

Tina Fey: Bombshell McGee, I know you’re into like nazi stuff and white surpremacy. But if Hitler were alive today even he would be like: ”Armer Sandra Bullock, sie sind so liebenswert!” [Poor Sandra Bullock is so likeable]

Host: Zach Galifianakis
Musical guest: Vampire Weekend

1. Opening monologue

Zach Galifianakis: The stylist here at SNL, she said: ‘Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?’ And I said:
Well, just give me the lighthouse attendant. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me the homeless professor. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me marijuana Santa Claus. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me vice president of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me somebody that looks like they write on Alpacka message boards. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.

2. Bidet

Woman [Kristen Wiig]: And, the nearest hospital, that would be…?
Hotel Worker [Andy Samberg]: Saint George’s Medical Centre, it’s about three miles east of the hotel
Man [Zach Galifianakis]: And their ambulances, they have bidets? Or would there be a gap? Between the hotel and the hospital – bidet-wise
Hotel Worker: I doubt the ambulances has bidets, I also doubt the hospital has a bidet

3. Zach Drops By the Set

4. Today

Hoda Kotb [Jenny Slate]: Sarah, do we have any more Facebook messages?
Sarah [Abby Elliot]: Uhm, just one. It’s from Zach in New York, it just says ”Am I on camera? Am I on TV?”

5. Vampire Weekend

!!!!!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [Benny Hill theme song starts playing]

7. Weekend Update

Will Forte: Here’s the song, it is called ”Women’s herstory: Did you see what I did there?”
Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi gouvernment
Emily Dickinson books
Good job women, good job women
You should have been paid more money than that
Good job women, terrific job women
Your history is now herstory
See what I did there?

1. Cold Opening

Quincy Jones [Kenan Thompson]: Recently the music world came together to release We Are The World 2, a song to raise awareness of the Haiti earthquake disaster. Sadly, the song itself was a disaster. While the original We Are The World brought together stars like Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen and Tina Turner. This new version was a sloppy mess of half famous rando’s, like Busy Bone and Nipsey Hustle. It was bad. But we will heal, as we all is do through song. That’s why I have assembled another group of musicians for We Are The World 3 – raising awareness of the We Are The World 2 Disaster.

2. SNL Digital Short – Flags of the World

Scotch flag, Scotty flag, Hottie and the Nottie flag
Rasta flag, Pasta flag, Confused Fan of Lost-a-Flag

3. Undercover Celebrity Boss

Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash-can.

Steve Jobs [Fred Armisen]: This trash-can holds over 35 gallons of trash. Plays music, you can watch movies inside it – The iTrash!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Gatorade this week officially dropped Tiger Woods as their spokesperson, after realizing that his thirst – would never be quenched

5. Car Horns and More

Tina Tina Shanhouse [Jenny Slate]: We got horns for everybody, come on!
Man [Fred Armisen]: What about me? I’m a scientist
Tina Tina Shanhouse: Here you go [presses horn] ”Bunsen burner. Bubbles. It’s alive! Wha?”

1. Slave boy

King [Will Forte]: He has a dagger! Stand down guards! Antonius will handle this!
Antonius [Ashton Kutcher]: [Throwing grapes] No! Grape attack! Go away! Go away! Go away! Grape Attack! Go away!

2. Weekend Update – Liam, the teenager who just woke up

Seth Meyers: Hey, how’s it going Liam?
Liam [Andy Samberg]: I just woke up.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I can tell. You’re supposed to come out here and analyze the budget for us.
Liam: Just.. what? Just give me five more minutes.
Seth Meyers: No. Liam, we don’t have five more minutes.
Liam: Okay! Fine, fine! I’m up, okay? I’m up. What is it?
Seth Meyers: Well, we wanna know your thoughts on president Obama’s new budget
Liam: I just had the craziest dream, Seth. I was hooking up with this girl, and then I realized her body was a horse. But, I was still really in to her ’cause her face was super cute. And then she sang me this beautiful song, and it was like: ‘Liiiam, Liii-aam, forget about my horse bod-ey, because my face is so fo-ine! Horse body with a sexy face!‘ Anyway, what?

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in Germany say that a woman watching the sunset on a webcam spotted a man lost on the frozen north sea and saved his life by alerting authorities. But who’s going to save the life of the woman who watches sunsets on a webcam?

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has been published documenting a cat living in a nursing home in Rhode Island that can accurately predict which patients are about to die. Either that or cats like to sleep next to whoever moves around the least.
It is still nice to know the last thing those old people see is the face – of the terrifying death cat.

5. An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

They finally aired it!

Rahm Emanuel [Andy Samberg]: Also, you come after me on Facebook? What are you fourteen? Here’s a status update: Grow the fuck up! Poke me again and I will write shit on your wall so obscene your computer will cry.

1. An SNL Digital Short – Sergio

John Hamm: Sergio!

2. New Senator

Scott Brown [John Hamm]: I want to introduce something to the floor – it’s called your panties.

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week Apple released the thing that does stuff that its other stuff already does.

4. Weekend Update

Snooki [Bobby Moynihan]: You wanna touch its poof?

5. Game Time With Randy and Greg

Caller [Seth Meyers]: Oh, and by the way, there’s four Greg’s now
Randy [Kenan Thompson]: Oh, come on!
The Greg’s: You’re the man, Rick!
Caller [Seth Meyers]: I see what’s happening, they’ve figured out how to multiply!
Randy [Kenan Meyers]: No one’s multiplying.
Caller [Seth Meyers]: There’s eight now.
Randy [Kenan Thompson]: Okay, well. That’s the show. So to recap: Superbowl fever, Colts vs. Saints – Who’s gonna win? [Whispering] Help please.

6. Hamm & Bublé

John Hamm: Good evening, I’m John Hamm. If you’re looking for a romantic night out at a restaurant that specialises in pork dishes and fine champagne. Then look no further than Hamm & Bubbly.
Michael Bublé: It’s actually pronunced Bublé.
John Hamm: Well, Bublé doesn’t work. So now it’s pronunced Bubbly.

7. Closet Organizer

”It’s so simple to use! All it needs is two meals a day and a little bucket to do its business in!”

1. An SNL Digital Short – James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5

2. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week you didn’t need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV.

3. Weekend Update

Set Meyers: So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it:
Let’s say you’re married, and it’s the numer one marriage in the country. But then you meet someone else who just sweeps you off your feet. So you say to her ”I wanna marry you – In five years”. And she says ”Yes. I will wait five years to marry you”.
So then you go home and you tell your current wife ”Honey, in five years – we’re getting a divorce”. Now, you might think your current wife will be super cool with that, and say ”Thank you for being honest”. But it turns out she’s actually super mad. And as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce she’s looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous.
So you come up with an awesome plan: You’ll still marry the second person, but you’ll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife ”Good news, we’re totally married, but every night when I get home – I’m gonna spend a half an hour with my first wife first, but then I’m all yours”. And before you even see how she feels about it you hold a big press conference and tell people you’ve changed the future of marriage.
Now, if you think the new wife is cool with this plan – she’s not. She’s super mad. And the first wife is also acting wierd because, you know – You have two wives!
But then, just when you think you’re stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems – You kill your second wife. The question now is: Will NBC be okay? That all depends on one thing: Chuck. Lot of pressure on Chuck right now.
Also I feel bad for the writers of Law and Order. They’re gonna be responsible for ten hours of programming a day. They say their stories are ripped from the headlines, but a newspaper only has so many headlines to rip. The last episode I saw was about a broken air conditioner at a PTA meating. Next week two detectives are gonna try and solve a Sudoku.
Look, obviously I’m investin’ this because it affects me. If Jay can take his job back from Conan. That means Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that means jimmy might come here – and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: The Vatican newspaper called the film Avatar simplistic and criticised it for promoting the worship of nature as a substitut for religion. However all this accomplished was putting the image in my head – of the pope in 3D glasses.

5. Weekend Update

Larry the Goose [Andy Samberg]: Seth, if I may, I’d like to read the names of some of the geese who parished that day. These were geese of great dignity. [Clears throat]
Goose Springsteen
Feather Locklear
Ganderson Cooper
Geese Witherspoon
President Quackery Taylor
Honk Williams, Jr.
Indie rock duo The Wing Wings
And of course: Mother.

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A WeightWatchers group in Sweden was surprised when members showed up for their weigh-in in an office building and the floor collapsed. Which I assume was followed by a group shrug and a walk to the pastry shop.

7. Riley

Riley [Fred Armisen]: That’s right you BITCH!

P.S. Sigourney Weaver – Om 71,42% of the top moments är från Weekend Update betyder det att jag inte gillar dig. Du skulle kanske ha funderat klart innan du inledde programmet med att skryta om din pappa.

P.P.S. Den som tog sig tid att faktiskt läsa allt som står på punkt tre ska få en present av mig. En riktig present. På riktigt.

1. Thomas Peepers Insurance

Bill Hader: For that first kiss… When you’re getting out of the shower… When you’re unclogging that especially clogged drain. We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance, and we’re keeping an eye – on you!

2. Reel Quotes

Bill Hader: In the 1975 film ‘Jaws‘ upon seeing the shark for the first time Roy Scheider utters the unforgettable line: ”We’re gonna need a bigger…”
Charles Barkley: Shark!
Bill Hader: No. See, they saw the shark he was so big that they thought they ”We’re gonna need a bigger…”
Charles Barkley: Shark bag!
Bill Hader: Think water..
Charles Barkley: Ocean!
Bill Hader: ”We’re gonna need a bigger ocean”?
Charles Barkley: Yeah, if you get a bigger ocean it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. Then the joke would be on the shark.

3. Sexy Shana

Making faces!

4. MacGruber

MacGruber [Will Forte]: Okay, Darell, respectfully, hand me that pen.
Darell [Charles Barkley]: Which pen?
Mac Gruber [Will Forte]: That one! Right there!
Darell [Charles Barkley]: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!
MacGruber [Will Forte]: That one! The, eh, african american pen!
Darell [Charles Barkley]: What?
MacGruber [Will Forte]: Sorry. The, eh, negro pen? Eh, negro american pen?
Darell [Charles Barkley]: You’re such a rasist!
MacGruber [Will Forte]: I am not a racist! Vicky, hand me that chinese pen! The, eh, that asian pen! The yellow pen!  - I’m a racist.

5. Inside The NBA

Danny Hoover [Andy Samberg]: That’ll move the chains!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: So what will you be doing with this new position?
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: I’m gonna steal the declaration of independence.
Seth Meyers: Oh no.
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: Quickly, Seth! Look under your desk. There should be an engraved panel of the masonic seal. Push this shard against the engraving to unlock the latch. The real declaration will be inside and that will lead us to the treasure!
Seth Meyers: Nick Cage! That movie’s like three years old!
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: I don’t have time to explain this to you! Do you trust me?!
Seth Meyers: Okay, stop! You need to calm down, Nicholas Cage! I’m taking your shard away.

7. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: It was announced this week that Lady Gaga will be the new spokesperson for Polaroid. It’s a natural fit as just like a polaroid it takes a few minutes to figure out what you’re looking at.

8. SNL Digital Short – Booty Call

Lionel [Andy Samberg]: Hold up! Is this a freaking booty call?
Alicia Keys: Yeah. I guess it is…
Lionel [Andy Samberg]: That is so scandocious, but it fully works out ’cause I’m super horny.
Alicia Keys: Oh, word?
Lionel [Andy Samberg]: Heck yeah word! It’s like I’m ovulating – but the dude version.

9. Scared Straight

Bill Hader cracking up during a Scared Straight sketch once again!

1. The Lawrence Welk Show

Eunice [Kristen Wiig]: I hit a turkey with a shovel then I came inside and put the turkey on the toliet and it died on the toilet and it fell in the toilet now there’s feathers in the toilet and I sleep under a turned over wagon, is that bad? De doo doo doo

2. The Kissing Family

The Bill Hader and James Franco kiss!

3. An SNL Digital Short – The Tizzle Wizzle Show

The jammy shuffle, the jammy shuffle
Everyone put on your jammies now
Comfy, cozy, snuggly, warm
Come on everybody don’t have a cow
Pink ones, blue ones, even stripes
Jammy party, dance all night
[Jammies]
Knives, knives, all types of knives
Everybody pick out your favourite knife
Short ones, long ones, ones with spikes
Three more seconds to choose your knife
Three, two, one
Pills, pills, all types of pills
Everyone must take at least one pill
Gobble them, swallow them, eat ‘em down
Don’t spit them out because we’ll know
The pills take hold of your mind and flesh
You’re brave and strong, you don’t fear death
[Jammies]
Steel yourself it’s time for war
Your glowing stick is how we keep score
Hop to the left and raise your knife
It’s a fight to the death
Now kill the lights

4. Weekend Update

Nicole ”Snookie” Polizzi [Bobby Moynihan]: Oh, you wanna touch my poof?

5. Weekend Update

Kristen Wiig cracking up for the first time!

6. Sigma Lambda Omega

Jason Sudeikis: You gotta chug this beer now!
Andy Samberg: This is not a beer.
James Franco: What does it say?!
Andy Samberg: Diet Coke.
James Franco: I thought it said Light Beer!
Bobby Moynihan: Yeah, it’s Light Beer! Because it’s four letters and then space and then four letters!
Jason Sudiekis: Four space four!
Andy Samberg: Okay. Okay. But they’re all different kinds of letters.

7. Mark Wahlberg Talks To Christmas Animals

Mark Wahlberg [Andy Samberg]: Now imma talk to a partridge. Hey partridge, how’s it hangin’? Where’s your pear tree? Oh, there it is. So you were in that song ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas‘? I was in ‘The Happening‘. Did you see that movie? Okay. Talk to you later partridge. Say hi to your motha’ for me.

12/12 Taylor Lautner

1. Can’t Keep A Secret Sue

Aunt Sue [Kristen Wiig]: My hips. My hips have glitched. God, I got cramps in my butt. Anyone else? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so. So FREAKING EXCITED!

2. The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir

Principal [Will Forte]: Okay, Trevor! Get up here right now! Get up here!
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Runs up on stage]
Principal [Will Forte]: Now I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elivs’s face!
Hanukkah Elvis [Nasim Pedrad]: No, actually, that’s okay..
Principal [Will Forte]: No, it’s not okay! [Pointing at Trevor] Say what you just said.
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Clears throat] THIS IS GAY!

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week after a performance in England Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England.
”Well, this is weird” thought both of them.

4. Team Jacob vs. Team Edward

Ellie [Jenny Slate]: There was a time in my life when I too loved Edward Cullen. When Jacob was merely a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed, maybe I changed, but more likely Jacob changed. When he took off his shirt in New Moon I saw those changes and I was like ”Yeah! I wanna bake cookies on your stomach!”
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: No, those are fake abs!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are not fake abs!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: They are too fake! They’re CGI-ed just like the wolves!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are real! His abs are real!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: If those abs are real then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!

5. A Final Message From The PGA Tour

Jason Sudeikis: I wanna thank our new sponsors: The Erie Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce, The letter ‘Q’ and Seltzer.

5/12 Blake Lively

1. Opening Monologue

Swedish Chef [Andy Samberg]: Shmorgy bork. Shmorgy bork boork. Shmorgy bork.
Blake Lively: You got me snow!

2. An SNL Digital Short

Move the mic away from your face
C’mon, this beat cost a lot of money
Oh, no. Oh, no
He pissed himself
He pissed himself!
AHA!

3. Weekend Update

Rizzle Dizzle Dazzle
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Flabble Dabble Dibble
WOO-AHH-OOH-WEE

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has found that the linemen on college football teams are often obese.
The study was conducted by the University of My Eyeballs.

5. UPS II

Bill Hader: In fact, we’ll make one thousand of them, which makes me King of the Ads. And you my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: Everyone wears a lady wig.
Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies. I’m gonna have sex with them.