1. An SNL Digital Short – James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5

2. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week you didn’t need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV.

3. Weekend Update

Set Meyers: So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it:
Let’s say you’re married, and it’s the numer one marriage in the country. But then you meet someone else who just sweeps you off your feet. So you say to her ”I wanna marry you – In five years”. And she says ”Yes. I will wait five years to marry you”.
So then you go home and you tell your current wife ”Honey, in five years – we’re getting a divorce”. Now, you might think your current wife will be super cool with that, and say ”Thank you for being honest”. But it turns out she’s actually super mad. And as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce she’s looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous.
So you come up with an awesome plan: You’ll still marry the second person, but you’ll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife ”Good news, we’re totally married, but every night when I get home – I’m gonna spend a half an hour with my first wife first, but then I’m all yours”. And before you even see how she feels about it you hold a big press conference and tell people you’ve changed the future of marriage.
Now, if you think the new wife is cool with this plan – she’s not. She’s super mad. And the first wife is also acting wierd because, you know – You have two wives!
But then, just when you think you’re stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems – You kill your second wife. The question now is: Will NBC be okay? That all depends on one thing: Chuck. Lot of pressure on Chuck right now.
Also I feel bad for the writers of Law and Order. They’re gonna be responsible for ten hours of programming a day. They say their stories are ripped from the headlines, but a newspaper only has so many headlines to rip. The last episode I saw was about a broken air conditioner at a PTA meating. Next week two detectives are gonna try and solve a Sudoku.
Look, obviously I’m investin’ this because it affects me. If Jay can take his job back from Conan. That means Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that means jimmy might come here – and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks!

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: The Vatican newspaper called the film Avatar simplistic and criticised it for promoting the worship of nature as a substitut for religion. However all this accomplished was putting the image in my head – of the pope in 3D glasses.

5. Weekend Update

Larry the Goose [Andy Samberg]: Seth, if I may, I’d like to read the names of some of the geese who parished that day. These were geese of great dignity. [Clears throat]
Goose Springsteen
Feather Locklear
Ganderson Cooper
Geese Witherspoon
President Quackery Taylor
Honk Williams, Jr.
Indie rock duo The Wing Wings
And of course: Mother.

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A WeightWatchers group in Sweden was surprised when members showed up for their weigh-in in an office building and the floor collapsed. Which I assume was followed by a group shrug and a walk to the pastry shop.

7. Riley

Riley [Fred Armisen]: That’s right you BITCH!

P.S. Sigourney Weaver – Om 71,42% of the top moments är från Weekend Update betyder det att jag inte gillar dig. Du skulle kanske ha funderat klart innan du inledde programmet med att skryta om din pappa.

P.P.S. Den som tog sig tid att faktiskt läsa allt som står på punkt tre ska få en present av mig. En riktig present. På riktigt.

1. Thomas Peepers Insurance

Bill Hader: For that first kiss… When you’re getting out of the shower… When you’re unclogging that especially clogged drain. We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance, and we’re keeping an eye – on you!

2. Reel Quotes

Bill Hader: In the 1975 film ‘Jaws‘ upon seeing the shark for the first time Roy Scheider utters the unforgettable line: ”We’re gonna need a bigger…”
Charles Barkley: Shark!
Bill Hader: No. See, they saw the shark he was so big that they thought they ”We’re gonna need a bigger…”
Charles Barkley: Shark bag!
Bill Hader: Think water..
Charles Barkley: Ocean!
Bill Hader: ”We’re gonna need a bigger ocean”?
Charles Barkley: Yeah, if you get a bigger ocean it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. Then the joke would be on the shark.

3. Sexy Shana

Making faces!

4. MacGruber

MacGruber [Will Forte]: Okay, Darell, respectfully, hand me that pen.
Darell [Charles Barkley]: Which pen?
Mac Gruber [Will Forte]: That one! Right there!
Darell [Charles Barkley]: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!
MacGruber [Will Forte]: That one! The, eh, african american pen!
Darell [Charles Barkley]: What?
MacGruber [Will Forte]: Sorry. The, eh, negro pen? Eh, negro american pen?
Darell [Charles Barkley]: You’re such a rasist!
MacGruber [Will Forte]: I am not a racist! Vicky, hand me that chinese pen! The, eh, that asian pen! The yellow pen!  - I’m a racist.

5. Inside The NBA

Danny Hoover [Andy Samberg]: That’ll move the chains!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: So what will you be doing with this new position?
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: I’m gonna steal the declaration of independence.
Seth Meyers: Oh no.
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: Quickly, Seth! Look under your desk. There should be an engraved panel of the masonic seal. Push this shard against the engraving to unlock the latch. The real declaration will be inside and that will lead us to the treasure!
Seth Meyers: Nick Cage! That movie’s like three years old!
Nicholas Cage [Andy Samberg]: I don’t have time to explain this to you! Do you trust me?!
Seth Meyers: Okay, stop! You need to calm down, Nicholas Cage! I’m taking your shard away.

7. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: It was announced this week that Lady Gaga will be the new spokesperson for Polaroid. It’s a natural fit as just like a polaroid it takes a few minutes to figure out what you’re looking at.

8. SNL Digital Short – Booty Call

Lionel [Andy Samberg]: Hold up! Is this a freaking booty call?
Alicia Keys: Yeah. I guess it is…
Lionel [Andy Samberg]: That is so scandocious, but it fully works out ’cause I’m super horny.
Alicia Keys: Oh, word?
Lionel [Andy Samberg]: Heck yeah word! It’s like I’m ovulating – but the dude version.

9. Scared Straight

Bill Hader cracking up during a Scared Straight sketch once again!

Don’t get me wrong
I’m not interested in Roy sexually
He’s my sister’s husband!
Still, though, if we did hook up,
It would be a 24/7 69!

- The Lonely Island, Roy Rules!
Saturday Night Live S32E18

”I’m wearing pajamas!”

- The Tizzle Wizzle Show, Saturday Night Live S35E10

1. The Lawrence Welk Show

Eunice [Kristen Wiig]: I hit a turkey with a shovel then I came inside and put the turkey on the toliet and it died on the toilet and it fell in the toilet now there’s feathers in the toilet and I sleep under a turned over wagon, is that bad? De doo doo doo

2. The Kissing Family

The Bill Hader and James Franco kiss!

3. An SNL Digital Short – The Tizzle Wizzle Show

The jammy shuffle, the jammy shuffle
Everyone put on your jammies now
Comfy, cozy, snuggly, warm
Come on everybody don’t have a cow
Pink ones, blue ones, even stripes
Jammy party, dance all night
[Jammies]
Knives, knives, all types of knives
Everybody pick out your favourite knife
Short ones, long ones, ones with spikes
Three more seconds to choose your knife
Three, two, one
Pills, pills, all types of pills
Everyone must take at least one pill
Gobble them, swallow them, eat ‘em down
Don’t spit them out because we’ll know
The pills take hold of your mind and flesh
You’re brave and strong, you don’t fear death
[Jammies]
Steel yourself it’s time for war
Your glowing stick is how we keep score
Hop to the left and raise your knife
It’s a fight to the death
Now kill the lights

4. Weekend Update

Nicole ”Snookie” Polizzi [Bobby Moynihan]: Oh, you wanna touch my poof?

5. Weekend Update

Kristen Wiig cracking up for the first time!

6. Sigma Lambda Omega

Jason Sudeikis: You gotta chug this beer now!
Andy Samberg: This is not a beer.
James Franco: What does it say?!
Andy Samberg: Diet Coke.
James Franco: I thought it said Light Beer!
Bobby Moynihan: Yeah, it’s Light Beer! Because it’s four letters and then space and then four letters!
Jason Sudiekis: Four space four!
Andy Samberg: Okay. Okay. But they’re all different kinds of letters.

7. Mark Wahlberg Talks To Christmas Animals

Mark Wahlberg [Andy Samberg]: Now imma talk to a partridge. Hey partridge, how’s it hangin’? Where’s your pear tree? Oh, there it is. So you were in that song ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas‘? I was in ‘The Happening‘. Did you see that movie? Okay. Talk to you later partridge. Say hi to your motha’ for me.

12/12 Taylor Lautner

1. Can’t Keep A Secret Sue

Aunt Sue [Kristen Wiig]: My hips. My hips have glitched. God, I got cramps in my butt. Anyone else? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so. So FREAKING EXCITED!

2. The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir

Principal [Will Forte]: Okay, Trevor! Get up here right now! Get up here!
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Runs up on stage]
Principal [Will Forte]: Now I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elivs’s face!
Hanukkah Elvis [Nasim Pedrad]: No, actually, that’s okay..
Principal [Will Forte]: No, it’s not okay! [Pointing at Trevor] Say what you just said.
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Clears throat] THIS IS GAY!

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week after a performance in England Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England.
”Well, this is weird” thought both of them.

4. Team Jacob vs. Team Edward

Ellie [Jenny Slate]: There was a time in my life when I too loved Edward Cullen. When Jacob was merely a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed, maybe I changed, but more likely Jacob changed. When he took off his shirt in New Moon I saw those changes and I was like ”Yeah! I wanna bake cookies on your stomach!”
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: No, those are fake abs!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are not fake abs!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: They are too fake! They’re CGI-ed just like the wolves!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are real! His abs are real!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: If those abs are real then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!

5. A Final Message From The PGA Tour

Jason Sudeikis: I wanna thank our new sponsors: The Erie Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce, The letter ‘Q’ and Seltzer.

5/12 Blake Lively

1. Opening Monologue

Swedish Chef [Andy Samberg]: Shmorgy bork. Shmorgy bork boork. Shmorgy bork.
Blake Lively: You got me snow!

2. An SNL Digital Short

Move the mic away from your face
C’mon, this beat cost a lot of money
Oh, no. Oh, no
He pissed himself
He pissed himself!
AHA!

3. Weekend Update

Rizzle Dizzle Dazzle
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Flabble Dabble Dibble
WOO-AHH-OOH-WEE

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has found that the linemen on college football teams are often obese.
The study was conducted by the University of My Eyeballs.

5. UPS II

Bill Hader: In fact, we’ll make one thousand of them, which makes me King of the Ads. And you my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: Everyone wears a lady wig.
Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies. I’m gonna have sex with them.