12/12 Taylor Lautner

1. Can’t Keep A Secret Sue

Aunt Sue [Kristen Wiig]: My hips. My hips have glitched. God, I got cramps in my butt. Anyone else? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so. So FREAKING EXCITED!

2. The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir

Principal [Will Forte]: Okay, Trevor! Get up here right now! Get up here!
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Runs up on stage]
Principal [Will Forte]: Now I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elivs’s face!
Hanukkah Elvis [Nasim Pedrad]: No, actually, that’s okay..
Principal [Will Forte]: No, it’s not okay! [Pointing at Trevor] Say what you just said.
Trevor [Andy Samberg]: [Clears throat] THIS IS GAY!

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week after a performance in England Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England.
”Well, this is weird” thought both of them.

4. Team Jacob vs. Team Edward

Ellie [Jenny Slate]: There was a time in my life when I too loved Edward Cullen. When Jacob was merely a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed, maybe I changed, but more likely Jacob changed. When he took off his shirt in New Moon I saw those changes and I was like ”Yeah! I wanna bake cookies on your stomach!”
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: No, those are fake abs!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are not fake abs!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: They are too fake! They’re CGI-ed just like the wolves!
Ellie [Jenny Slate]: These are real! His abs are real!
Marianna [Taylor Lautner]: If those abs are real then the dude who played Jacob deserves an Oscar!

5. A Final Message From The PGA Tour

Jason Sudeikis: I wanna thank our new sponsors: The Erie Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce, The letter ‘Q’ and Seltzer.

5/12 Blake Lively

1. Opening Monologue

Swedish Chef [Andy Samberg]: Shmorgy bork. Shmorgy bork boork. Shmorgy bork.
Blake Lively: You got me snow!

2. An SNL Digital Short

Move the mic away from your face
C’mon, this beat cost a lot of money
Oh, no. Oh, no
He pissed himself
He pissed himself!
AHA!

3. Weekend Update

Rizzle Dizzle Dazzle
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Flabble Dabble Dibble
WOO-AHH-OOH-WEE

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has found that the linemen on college football teams are often obese.
The study was conducted by the University of My Eyeballs.

5. UPS II

Bill Hader: In fact, we’ll make one thousand of them, which makes me King of the Ads. And you my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: Everyone wears a lady wig.
Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies. I’m gonna have sex with them.