Host: Zach Galifianakis
Musical guest: Vampire Weekend

1. Opening monologue

Zach Galifianakis: The stylist here at SNL, she said: ‘Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?’ And I said:
Well, just give me the lighthouse attendant. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me the homeless professor. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me marijuana Santa Claus. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me vice president of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me somebody that looks like they write on Alpacka message boards. Oh you’re out of that one?
Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.

2. Bidet

Woman [Kristen Wiig]: And, the nearest hospital, that would be…?
Hotel Worker [Andy Samberg]: Saint George’s Medical Centre, it’s about three miles east of the hotel
Man [Zach Galifianakis]: And their ambulances, they have bidets? Or would there be a gap? Between the hotel and the hospital – bidet-wise
Hotel Worker: I doubt the ambulances has bidets, I also doubt the hospital has a bidet

3. Zach Drops By the Set

4. Today

Hoda Kotb [Jenny Slate]: Sarah, do we have any more Facebook messages?
Sarah [Abby Elliot]: Uhm, just one. It’s from Zach in New York, it just says ”Am I on camera? Am I on TV?”

5. Vampire Weekend

!!!!!

6. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audio tape. [Benny Hill theme song starts playing]

7. Weekend Update

Will Forte: Here’s the song, it is called ”Women’s herstory: Did you see what I did there?”
Betsy Ross made a flag
Rosa Parks sat on a bus
Nancy Pelosi gouvernment
Emily Dickinson books
Good job women, good job women
You should have been paid more money than that
Good job women, terrific job women
Your history is now herstory
See what I did there?

Utifall att du var intresserad – och det var du ju. Så, varsågod!

Nu ska jag gå och borsta tänderna i en timme. 07.30 imorgon bitti ska jag sitta i en tandläkarstol någonstans i stan. Kom gärna och hälsa på. Jag kan behöva det.

1. Slave boy

King [Will Forte]: He has a dagger! Stand down guards! Antonius will handle this!
Antonius [Ashton Kutcher]: [Throwing grapes] No! Grape attack! Go away! Go away! Go away! Grape Attack! Go away!

2. Weekend Update – Liam, the teenager who just woke up

Seth Meyers: Hey, how’s it going Liam?
Liam [Andy Samberg]: I just woke up.
Seth Meyers: Yeah, I can tell. You’re supposed to come out here and analyze the budget for us.
Liam: Just.. what? Just give me five more minutes.
Seth Meyers: No. Liam, we don’t have five more minutes.
Liam: Okay! Fine, fine! I’m up, okay? I’m up. What is it?
Seth Meyers: Well, we wanna know your thoughts on president Obama’s new budget
Liam: I just had the craziest dream, Seth. I was hooking up with this girl, and then I realized her body was a horse. But, I was still really in to her ’cause her face was super cute. And then she sang me this beautiful song, and it was like: ‘Liiiam, Liii-aam, forget about my horse bod-ey, because my face is so fo-ine! Horse body with a sexy face!‘ Anyway, what?

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Police in Germany say that a woman watching the sunset on a webcam spotted a man lost on the frozen north sea and saved his life by alerting authorities. But who’s going to save the life of the woman who watches sunsets on a webcam?

4. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: A new study has been published documenting a cat living in a nursing home in Rhode Island that can accurately predict which patients are about to die. Either that or cats like to sleep next to whoever moves around the least.
It is still nice to know the last thing those old people see is the face – of the terrifying death cat.

5. An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

They finally aired it!

Rahm Emanuel [Andy Samberg]: Also, you come after me on Facebook? What are you fourteen? Here’s a status update: Grow the fuck up! Poke me again and I will write shit on your wall so obscene your computer will cry.

1. An SNL Digital Short – Sergio

John Hamm: Sergio!

2. New Senator

Scott Brown [John Hamm]: I want to introduce something to the floor – it’s called your panties.

3. Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: This week Apple released the thing that does stuff that its other stuff already does.

4. Weekend Update

Snooki [Bobby Moynihan]: You wanna touch its poof?

5. Game Time With Randy and Greg

Caller [Seth Meyers]: Oh, and by the way, there’s four Greg’s now
Randy [Kenan Thompson]: Oh, come on!
The Greg’s: You’re the man, Rick!
Caller [Seth Meyers]: I see what’s happening, they’ve figured out how to multiply!
Randy [Kenan Meyers]: No one’s multiplying.
Caller [Seth Meyers]: There’s eight now.
Randy [Kenan Thompson]: Okay, well. That’s the show. So to recap: Superbowl fever, Colts vs. Saints – Who’s gonna win? [Whispering] Help please.

6. Hamm & Bublé

John Hamm: Good evening, I’m John Hamm. If you’re looking for a romantic night out at a restaurant that specialises in pork dishes and fine champagne. Then look no further than Hamm & Bubbly.
Michael Bublé: It’s actually pronunced Bublé.
John Hamm: Well, Bublé doesn’t work. So now it’s pronunced Bubbly.

7. Closet Organizer

”It’s so simple to use! All it needs is two meals a day and a little bucket to do its business in!”

Flint Lockwood: It fits perfect!

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs spam!

”There’s a whole lot of Hotties with Bodies on set!”

- How did you know I was wearing a bulletproof vest?
- You’re wearing a bulletproof vest? Awesome!